


Whatever this is

by Alwaysdreaming95



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas is dead, Confessions, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Dean is an Idiot, Idiots in Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 16:56:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13722027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alwaysdreaming95/pseuds/Alwaysdreaming95
Summary: Dean is grieving Cas’ death after a good year. He still visits the spot Cas died and where he had set up a small burial that hadn’t been disturbed since it was placed there where Cas was buried. Dean grieves in the small snowfall as it slowly builds to something else.





	Whatever this is

**Author's Note:**

> So, I had written this story after a slight snow storm from my area and had seen this picture and thus this was born but trust me it had a different turn to it then what I had given it. I don't have permission to use the art I thought I'd just say that it helped inspire whatever the hell this is.  
> https://mirta5.deviantart.com/art/I-ll-Be-Good-648509240

Dean is standing in the barely winds and covered in snow, but he doesn’t move instead he stares at a small grace he had made just for someone so close to his heart that had yet again left him. He didn’t have the chance to say the right words on his he felt he didn’t have the chance to do the right thing instead the last few things that were sad were that of anger and hate, something that he regrets more than Orpheus looking back while bringing his love back from the depths of Hades.

Cas had always been one to believe in him, in the good that somehow survives in the depths of his soul. The snow was something that he thought he’d never feel so empty standing in when he younger he loved when they had cases that were around snowy areas because he held all kinds of fun games and joy even just bit ago when he was on a case with Sammy, Dean realized just how much he loved and misses the freezing time of year.

Yet again he never thought he’d be standing in this spot again. A spot where so much had happened. A spot where my entire world was destroyed and without that piece of it, I almost didn’t go on living.

**********

The calms down and the thought of just how long I’d been standing outside like this had crossed my mind. Sammy doesn’t know where I am so I’m sure he thinks I’m off doing something stupid as I usually would be. Yet lately I don’t think I could stand doing any of that.

“Dean, this is where you’ve been for the last few hours?” I hear Sammy ask me, but I can’t look up. I can’t look my brother in the eye like I haven’t since I lose him yet again. I can’t look him in the eye since I know that they are filled with unshed tears for my one and only. For the one that I truly let fall from my grips. I feel a hand grab me and I don’t even react instead I just stand still leaning against a tree where I can look at that spot where the grave rests on.

“Dean, you need to stop doing this. It’s not healthy. You don’t eat. You barely drink…anything. Don’t even get me started on sleep. It’s almost every night that you call out his name. Look, Dean, I miss him too, but I’m not going to throw away my life like this. It’s been long enough don’t you think. He’d want you to move on with your life. He’d want you to remember him, but nothing like this.”

I shake my head still not looking my brother in the face, “You don’t get it, Sammy. I was mean before he died. You don’t get just anything that I’m feeling right now. I never told him anything. He probably died thinking I was angry at him and that I hated him.”

I don’t need to look up when Sammy grabs my shoulder to know he’s shaking his head, “No, that’s not true. Dean, he knew just how much he meant to you. Just how much you cared for. How much you love him. He knew and sure you were left angry, but he knew it would pass. I’m on not to talk about coping with the death of a loved one neither of us knows how to let go. I still mourn Jess’ lose and so many others. This life that we live is painful, but we’re good at what we do. I guess we thought that after so many losses we’d at least be able to keep someone close to us.”

I nod my head and I know Sammy is getting frustrated, but he also knows that it’s best for me to finish up with my visit.

“I’m counting on seeing you back at the motel in an hour Dean no more than that or else I’ll come hunting for you.”

I barely acknowledge Sam as he leaves much like when he showed himself instead, I stare at a spot that was once marked with scorched wing marks, but it is now gone. I want to move as Sam’s shadow tells me he’s getting farther, but where he’d move towards is the question. The Impala would be the right choice, but I feel the need to make my way over to the grave. I know though if I take a step closer, I’ll lose composure and fall to my knees to let the pain seep into the earth only to return. Who knows maybe the snow will put me to sleep and let me forget my pain, but the dick with wings or Sam wouldn’t let that last like any other time.

For now, I simply look around on the barren trees that are only covered in thick changing layers of ice and snow. The ground as well covered in virgin whiteness showing me that only Sam and I have made our way out here so far. I smile sadly, “It’s too bad it’s winter, huh. Maybe when it’s nice out I’ll plant some flowers and the bees will come to visit. You always loved watching them along with any other living creature.” It feels wrong trying to talk to Cas through his grave so far away. I feel like I’m snubbing him, and I know that even if I crumble to never get back up that maybe I’ll catch a glimpse of him in my personal heaven. I slowly make my way to the grave marker realizing just how cold I am with the snow melting and freezing around the bottom of my jeans and boots, and with the crisp biting air nipping at any piece of skin that shows. With the fact that I’m already half frozen to death that kneeling by the simple cross won’t hurt me anymore.

I’m not sure how long I sit there and talk and just how many tears might have slipped without my permission from my eyes. Still grab the simple cross leaning against it looking at the ground wondering if there is still a pattern around here where Cas died. I lean my head against the cross wondering if any of my prayers had reached any of those dicks with wings.  

I sigh as I kneel in the frozen ground and decide that maybe Sam is right maybe I need to let go of Cas and the pain and the guilt, “I guess this may be the last time I’ll be around here. I’m sorry that I let you die. I’m sorry that the last few things I had ever gotten to say to you were that of anger. I ‘m sorry that I never told you how much I truly love you, man. I always thought I’d have more time to be with you and I was content with just that. I never thought I’d lose you.”

I must be losing it when I hear a flap of wings and a deep gruff voice call out my name. I don’t acknowledge it until I feel a tight real grip touch my shoulder and it was as if my body was being warmed. I feel a small sad smile tug at my lips. I turn around slowly for my body might be warming up, but everything still feels like it’s all frozen. I hear the snow crunching under a heavyweight and the hand on my shoulder move with the body it’s attached to. The strong hand tightens as I hear that gruff voice say my name again.

I feel the dams break and all my emotions are set free, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean anything I had said. I love you. I love you so much. I’m sorry it took me so long to say.”

The hand tightens as I just slip into the depths of despair and guilt. I feel another hand grab a hold of me pulling me into a strong hug making it, so I can feel just how much my body is shaking from either the cold or from my very own sobs. I feel the hands from my shoulders move from them as crunching of snow tells me whoever is here is moving to be in front of me. I close my eyes as if it’ll hide anymore of my emotions than what’s written there with the tears that had slipped past my guard. I feel the hands cup my cheeks as the fingers gently wipe away my tears as they finish wiping them away.

 I feel them hold my cheeks in their hands and a gruff commanding voice awakens something deep inside that I thought was dead, “Dean Winchester, open your eyes and look at me this very second. I have to have you look me in the eyes as I tell you what I've been waiting for a long time.” I refuse to open my eyes until a shrill sound, much like the ones the angels would make, blares out as if someone is crying out in pain.

I don’t open my eyes instead I feel myself being pulled into the strong arms as they had held me tight to their chest. I feel the body shake as well as if my emotions had become theirs.

“Dean, open your eyes, please open them,” a gruff voice practically begs as my head is angled up.

My eyelashes must be frozen to my cheeks as I try to open my eyes, I feel a slight tub and wonder if I’d lose any eyelashes. I feel a hand move across my eyes and cheeks for I can easily open them and when I do, I’m faced with the most brilliant blue eyes that I know are one of a kind, that belong to whom I’ve been praying to.

“Cas,” I can barely recognize my voice for how forced and sickly it sounds. I go to say more, but nothing can pass my lips. Nothing can pass my lips but a small huff of breath as if I was holding it for far too long.

“Dean, we need to get you somewhere warm or else you’ll get sick much less die,” he tells me as he effortless picks me up and carries me to the Impala. I’d probably be fighting over someone driving my baby, but I’m too cold and tried to do that. I feel a hand grasp my arm shaking me back from my half-asleep state, “Dean, you need to stay awake okay. You need to stay awake focus on something to keep yourself awake.”

“But I must be dead or dreaming if you're alive. So why should it matter that I’m asleep.”

I hear a sigh as the hand grasps my arm even tighter, “you are neither of those things, Dean. You are as alive as I am. I was brought back once again, and I had gone looking for you as soon as I came back to my senses. I had heard your pray or plea it had brought me from my own world of nothing into this world of the living. Your words awoke me, Dean, they had brought me back this world for I feel the same. I love you, Dean Winchester. You and Sam are my family and angels and heaven are simply a place and people that I used to know. The 2 of you are the most important things to me and that’s all that matters.”

I’m looking him in the eyes or at least I think I am when I reach up to touch his hand, “You love me?” my voice sounds so weak barely even a whisper. I see the figure with those oceans of Navagio colored eyes as they nod, and a faint smile crosses my lips, “I love you, too.”

I barely made it back to the hotel, but I find myself wrapped up in tons of blankets with something holding onto me tightly. I try to turn around to face whatever is holding me to see Sam at a table reading something on his computer with a calm almost happy look on his face, so I guess I’m safe for now, right? He looks over to see I’m awake and I hear a sigh of I’m sure then he’ll force fee it to you to make sure that you will eat it, or he’ll probably feed you. When he showed up here with a half-delirious you, I almost thought he was something else, but I guess I was wrong. It’s Cas and man was he stressing when you passed out. I had to tell him you were okay after he had wrapped you up in every blanket imaginable. It was kinda funny for a bit until I wanted to take his head off like I would with you when I was younger, and I’d get sick. It was so ridiculous I told him that he’d feel calmer if he snuggled up with you like you used to make sure I’d be alright through the night. So, if you’re wondering it’s Cas that’s weighing you down and I think he’s sleeping though he said he was still an angel. Though he had said something that confused me that he always enjoyed sleeping especially when he got to see you.”

That is a bit confusing, but I know that I’m still recovering from the snow, “Heat up that soup, Sammy. Plus is there any cold medicine I feel like I got hit by a freight train.”

“You mean that you were an idiot and went out in basically in a middle of a small and growing snowstorm for a good couple hours before Cas pulled you from your spot half frozen. What would I do if he had gotten to you in time? He had said he was still weak at that moment from just awakening, but he was tempted to risk trying to fly back here with you when you barely responded to him. He wouldn’t tell me much about what was going on, but I’m going to say this stop lying to yourself and him. You love Cas and he loves you like you were the one that created everything. Cas loves you more than he likes burgers and that’s a lot to say cause man he loves those things.”

I chuckle at that remembering the first time Cas ate a burger and how he had gone on for what seemed to be hours on how happy they made him.”

I can’t help myself as I let a small laugh out, “I know Sam. At first it was because Jimmy was his vessel and with that Jimmy was led to heaven and when Cas had come back to us, I found myself even more in love with him because he cared about how that simple human that should have been practically nothing to him would be able to spend his time in heaven with his wife. His wife and he spent so much time looking after Claire after we ran into her again. I know he won’t step into her life unless she asks for it, but I know he checks in on her like he would do with us.” I stop talking as I take a deep breath only to feel the arms around my waist tighten and I swear that the back of my neck is starting to get wet from something akin to my angel’s tears.

Nothing is said as Sam heats up the soup and brings it over to me and like he had said when I go to eat Cas is right there feeding me like I’m a sickly child. Yet when his gaze lingers on me as he feeds me my soup, I can’t stop myself from pulling him close to study his eyes and seeing into the tropical ocean’s that he calls his iris’. I keep telling myself that this all isn’t a dream or that I’m not dead, but I swear that I had a dream a lot like this the last time that Cas had died. I hear the clatter of the bowl and silverware that Cas was using being set down before I’m pulled into a strong hug.

“This isn’t a dream and you’re not dead, Dean. You are alive here on Earth alive and well only cause I dragged you from freezing to death in the cold out in the middle of nowhere. Do you know what I’d feel if you had died? Do you know what Sam would have felt? He’s your brother Dean and you had spent a year grieving my death instead of moving on. This staying out in the cold of winter is just too much for me to deal with. That snow falling around you scared me when I noticed your barely breathing form leaning against that cross. If I didn’t love you so much, I’d probably kill you for how stupid you were to do that.”

I can’t help but make it so I can look him in the eyes as I ask him with hope bleeding into my voice, “You love me…?”

Cas’ face says far more than I’d believe like right now he’s asking me if I’m an idiot or something, “Of course I love you. You are my family and world Dean and that’s all that matters. You are what everything revolves around. I was created to fall in love with you and to love you until the end of time.”

I slip my hand between us to place a hand on my chest as it squeezes tightly in my chest as if Cas had shoved his hand into my chest to rip it out.

I don’t stop myself from smiling at him s I tell him just what I’ve wanted to, “I know you heard my prayer, but I need to say it looking you in the eyes. I love you, Cas. I love you so fucking much it’s ridiculous. I held myself back thinking we were just fine as friends just happy to have you by side.”

I ignore the feeling in my chest as I lean towards Cas to seal whatever this is with a kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> I know everyone is waiting for me to update my actual chapter stories, but I've been busy with school and work I've been having problems with that. I'm so sorry if you read any of those and I'll try to get to them.
> 
> Please leave comments, kudos, and bookmarks. I've love to know what you think


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